The Most Important Facebook Note You Will Ever Read

This Facebook question-list has been going on for a while, so since most people I know filled it out, I decided I would, too. Since I spent so much time on it I thought it would be a great post for the blog, too. There are WAY too many questions for this FB note, but I’m bored and lonely right now so here goes 30 minutes of my life.

FB List title: “IMPORTANT NOTE.”

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7AM, dropped off someone at the airport.

2. How do you like your steak?
In my tummy.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
2012 and I almost didn’t survive. I spent the next four hours after I got home emailing death threats to Roland Emmerich and most staff members at Sony and Columbia pictures.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
I mean seriously, I’ve never had to describe a movie as an abortion before, but 2012 is an abortion of a movie. It’s just that terrible.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Like seriously, I cannot believe this movie passed through as many levels as it did to get to the public theatres. Screenplay approval, casting, actual filming, public test screenings. Really, what self-respecting person or movie company would allow this steaming piece of shit film to hit theatres?

6. What did you have for breakfast?
It wasn’t even worth the disaster scenes! The city disaster scenes lasted not 10 combined minutes. For a 2 hour and 38 minutes movie, that meant sitting through 2 hours and 28 minutes of pure cinematic urine. I would rather have a golden shower than watch 2012 again.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
And to think of how much money was shoved up an elephant’s ass to make this film. $260 million dollars, people. $260. During a recession. One in six Americans go hungry every fucking day, and Roland Emmerich basically spit in their faces, and punched the rest of us in the balls. Why, Roland, why?

8. What foods do you dislike?
I used to have a crush on John Cusack. There, I said it. Thought he was cute. Now, I won’t even sleep with him if he asked. How desperate are you for work, that you’ll accept a part in a movie thinking it will be awesome based on title and budget, without actually reading the screenplay or seeing who else is cast? Is that really how you go through your career? Just jumping head-first into piles of shit? (Note: I haven’t seen any of your previous movies, I’ve only seen pictures of you, but now I won’t even bother trying to watch any of your fucking movies.)

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
There were so many hanging threads to the plot. In the beginning in the little girl has a problem with wetting the bed. She wears Pull-Ups. Then it’s never mentioned in the movie again. Ever. Like, NEVER FUCKING EVER. It never even become an obstacle in a scenario when THE WORLD IS FUCKING ENDING. I’m a grown-ass woman, and if I was watching Santa Monica plummet into the fucking Pacific ocean you bet your ass I’d wet myself.

10. Favorite dressing?
Yet this little 7-year-old manages to keep it in. And the only thing reminding you that she even had a problem to begin with is whispering “No more Pull-Ups” to John Cusack at the end. What the fuck? Why did you even leave that in, Roland Emmerich, if you weren’t going to work it into the movie? Why?

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Am I the only one who’s noticed that Oliver Platt is always cast as the asshole? Like, every goddamn time? I saw this guy in screen and I immediately though “Oh, some shit’s about to go down.”

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Maybe it’s just me, but I am way to optimistic to believe that just because people are rich they would be evil enough to let hundreds of thousands of people meet their deaths within minutes.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Even if this WAS a plausible scenario, and the world DID have a deadline, everyone would know about it. The fucking earth slowly shifting, the weather getting dramatically hotter, ANY physical change would be noticeable to the average person.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Yet the government kept it all secret for two years until it all went to shit. Apparently, there are only about 20 scientists around the world and they are ALL working directly for the US government.

15. Where would you want to retire?
Every single character here was a ridiculous stereotype. The Russians, in particular, that was just painful. Think of the most Russian stereotype you can think of. We’re talking, back when they were “the enemy,” Cold-War style Russian stereotype. Cold, broody, extremely wealthy, and thus very selfish, and the thickest accent you can think of.

16. Favorite time of day?
I know what you’re thinking.

17. Where were you born?
This is a disaster film, you don’t go see it for plot. You go see it to have fun and watch shit get pummeled.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Oh, I know, my friend.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
See, that’s what I thought, too. I’m an avid reader of review summaries, and I was excited to see this movie until the reviews came out. I have RottenTomatoes.com bookmarked and check it religiously. The reviews are bad, people. Real bad.

 

We WERE warned. We just didn't listen.

 

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
That’s actually why I didn’t see it opening day. But decided to see it recently with a friend.

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
Because fuck it, I wanted to have fun that day and it seems like a movie that required the least amount of thought. I just wanted a disaster movie, popcorn, and ICEE, and fun. I wanted a thrill ride.

22. Bird watcher?
But I got shit. Shit that I was warned about, but didn’t listen to.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
“Beware 2012, which works the dubious miracle of almost matching Transformers 2 for sheer, cynical, mind-numbing, time-wasting, money-draining, soul-sucking stupidity.” – Peter Travers of Rolling Stone.

24. Do you have any pets?
“A boring, stupid, overlong, obnoxious, soulless piece of Hollywood ‘product.’” – Mike McGranaghan of Aisle Seat.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share?
“2012 is so long, and its special effects are at once so outrageous and so thunderously predictable, that by the time I lurched from the theatre I felt that three years had actually passed and that the apocalypse was due any second.” – Anthony Lane of The New Yorker.

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
“Despite gasp worthy special effects, ‘2012′ clunks along with yakety, cliched speeches and a familiar aka cliched plot that taps into virtually every disaster flick ever produced.” Steve Crum of Video-Reviewmaster.com

27. What is your best childhood memory?
“…delivers what it promises, and since no sentient being will buy a ticket expecting anything else, it will be, for its audiences, one of the most satisfactory films of the year.” – Roger Ebert, who gave it 3 1/2 out of 4 stars.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Fuck you, Roger Ebert. Fuck you up the ass.

29. Are you married?
See this is one thing I kept seeing in the reviews. Apparently everyone fucking hate it, but thinks that it’s “core audience” would love it.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
Who exactly do these people think the core audience is? How little credit are the American people given these days? Do they think the only people who like watching shit blow up are so mindless and retarded that they wouldn’t care for a plausible and marginally tolerable plot?

31. Been in a car accident?
I love explosions. I love CGI. I love shiny things. I love disaster scenes. I eat that shit up like hot wings. I fucking LOVE the money-pit. In fact, my last (and only) selling point was that I got to see LA crumble to fucking pieces. Who wouldn’t want to see that? I would, and that’s why I fucking went.

32. Any pet peeves?
And granted, the city disaster scene was awesome. It was the only time I didn’t regret living during the movie.

33. Favorite Pizza toppings?
But why did that last about 10 minutes? If it didn’t it fucking felt like it.

34. Favorite Flower?
One of the biggest problems is that every character never seemed to grasp the severity of the situation. The world is fucking ending. California just dropped into the ocean. Volcanos are going off like mad all over the world. Millions of people died in the course of 20 hours. There’s a tidal wave that’s going to engulf the last of the human survivors not 5 minutes away.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Yet somehow, when the the “hero,” John Cusack’s character, has to dive down and dislodge something so the ark portals close and save humanity, the entire fucking ship has to STOP and WATCH HIS EVERY MOVE on a PERFECTLY-ANGLED UNDERWATER CAMERA.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
So for about 5 of the longest minutes of your life, you’re watching a group of people watch one person dislodge something so 1 ship filled with the douchiest people alive can live. And the entire time you wonder WHY AREN’T THEY STILL MANNING THE SHIP?

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
We’re talking some of the most high tech CGI ships every built, with the most advanced technology available, that can’t start it’s engines unless one door, which by the way has already been locked off from the rest of the ship to prevent flooding (thank you, Titanic), is closed. Nor can it fucking detect when a major tidal wave is 15 minutes away from destroying it. Did you forget to put fucking Google on it? One of the millions of people who were hit by the East wave must have at least updated his Twitter and warned the RICHEST, MOST POWERFUL, AND MOST ACCESSIBLE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
“@humansurvivors tidal wave comin frm east did u catch it? save urselfs! kthxbye fur reals.”

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Yet when John Cusack’s character is the ships last hope, with literally 5 minutes on the clock, he has time to fucking BOND WITH HIS SON and talking him out of his fear of the end of the world, which I assure you, has already and is still happening.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Fuck your kid, dude, dislodge the fucking door. Please hurry. Oh. My. God. How long is your speech gonna take? Oh yeah, and everyone on the ship is fucking watching via camera and touched by this moment.

41. Like your job?
I…I just…

42. Broccoli?
Dude, Where’s My Car? used to be my most hated movie for the fact that it was the grandest waste of my life until this point. Now, 2012 is my most hated movie. I will never get those 3 hours of my life back.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Dear Roland Emmerich,

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
I understand the meaning in your movie. I really do. Of everyone who’s seen it, I might be the only one who can actually read between the lines.

45. What are you listening to right now?
You hate humanity. With a passion. You hate humanity so much that you made a movie about the world ending just so you could visually portray millions of people being mercilessly killed because of some stupid prophecy. It’s okay, we’ve all had that fantasy to an extent.

46. What is your favorite color?
But you wanted to bring dimension into your film, and you succeeded. You have actually made quite an intelligent comment about humanity and society. You’ve created a movie so terrible, you psychologically and emotionally harmed the people who actually watched it. In doing so, you have succeeded in “destroying humanity,” and culture, to a larger extent. By creating a 3-hour movie so fucking bland and fucking mind-numbing, you may have single-handedly made us question the very nature of humanity.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
After all, why would we all sit around and let something like this happen? By letting this film go through the extensive movie process: writing, casting, filming, hiring staff, screening tests, and having your friends(?) and family watch you do this, perhaps a stranger saw this in the process, and yet no one stopped you. Many of us see evil happening, and no one stands up against it. There were so many chances for someone to stand up and say “no.” Yet no one did. Isn’t that the very essense of humanity, Roland?

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
Really, we deserved to be destroyed, in every sense of the word. But in the end of it all, after all the damage is done, you are still the perpetrator of evil. Many of us will learn of humanity’s mistakes, but you will still be the one who had to take us to that level to see it. I’d love to thank you, I really sould, but that’s like wanting to thank Hitler for showing us how terrible genocide really is. So in the end, you still come up with nothing, and everyone hates you. We don’t want your stupid “art” if this is the harm it causes.

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
Love, Gloria

50. Coffee Drinker?
PS. Eat shit, asshole. I want my fucking 12 dollars back!

 

Don Draper’s Fresh Start

I just have to comment on the last episode of Mad Men.

A curious side-effect to the episode is that it has put me at playful odds with my friends. Many of us have our favorite characters, and we’ve all taken sides and preferences with different characters in the show. In my small circle of Mad-Men-watching-friends, we have a Roger Sterling, a Betty Draper, a Peggy Olsen, 2 Joan Holloways, and a Don Draper. I’m Don Draper.

 

Alcohol dependence included.

 

In this circle the sense of identification with the characters doesn’t come from an acknowledgement of superficial parallels or personal idealism. All the characters have terrible faults and have made harmful decisions throughout the show, so it’s hard to idealize someone with others who consistently err as humans do. Rather, the identification comes from an understanding of how the character views the world around him, based on circumstances of the present.

As a Don empathizer, I’m glad the divorce between Betty and Don came through. I honestly am. And I’m glad Don finally does, too. I don’t deny that there was once love between the characters, but even that love was built on delusions of grandeur from both parties. Don met her not long after he returned to the states from the war, and he picked Betty (a young, beautiful, professional model with a Grace Kelly mug) more as a compliment to the idealized character he was building, and less as a romantic partner.

Betty, on the other hand, is completely complacent with her place as a visual object, and much like the modeling life she knows (and misses), she expects to be continually worshipped for her looks. It’s no secret she values aesthetic appearance most in herself and others (her daughter surviving the car accident with a scar is “worse” than death, she’s constantly worried her daughter looks fat, etc) and that blatant narcissism blocks her from any sense of mental depth or sympathy towards others.

And people like that piss me off. I’m glad Don called her out on being a terrible wife and mother, though it’s a shame it didn’t hit another nerve within her. In the closing scenes, she was off to Reno with a man she hardly knows, leaving her older kids with the nanny for 6 week. Mother-of-the-year, ladies and gentlemen. But, really, who just stands up and does that? Don cheated on her before, and she didn’t leave. Is it because she finds out he used to be poor and her picture-perfect social status doesn’t exist anymore? (“I’ve seen how you are with money. You don’t know what to do with it.” Bitch, didn’t seem to be a problem before!)

 

Say what now?

 

Kudos to Henry for stepping up, though, I didn’t think he would. If he’s willing to commit to worshipping her for the rest of his life maybe that partnership can work in the long run. For Don’s sake, good riddance. He can and should (and finally, wants to) do better.

With the changes at Sterling-Cooper (or Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Price-Campbell? How do you fit that shit on a masthead?) and a pending divorce, Don stands at the eve of personal redefinition. Since the beginning of the series, Don has served as a mask for Dick Whitman, that scared little kid who never went away (made apparent by using rolling flashbacks to his youth). The man is not “jaded,” but how else can a mask feel emotion? It’s why he performs harmful acts like he does (has affairs, leaves his job for weeks without notice, etc) without repercussions. Yet, as he looked upon the hotel room where everyone has followed him out, he realizes he can create something better from scratch. Hence, he immediately walks into the bedroom and tells Betty to piss off to Reno, and to take the kids with her. Until now, Dick has paraded Don as a costume, but I sense the beginning of a final fuse of the man and the mask. I cannot wait to see what comes of it.

Now, off to hear the points of view from the other characters. Will my Betty Draper friends care to speak up?

Repubbies win VA and NJ gov races; White House doesn’t give a shit.

Virginia and New Jersey elected Republican governors this week, and of course everyone blames the President. We’re all wondering if Governor Corzine was somehow harmed by the President’s appearances at rallies, and why; maybe the President has lost his magic touch with the young folks who were MIA on Election Day; maybe it means the Democrats have peaked and are sliding down the polls of effectiveness and popularity.

Newsflash: The White House doesn’t give a shit.

And I mean they really don’t give a shit. One of the best things about this administration is that they don’t let these things get in the way of the big picture, and most importantly, they stay focused heading towards their current goals. It shows in the way the top dogs perform their jobs.

The Gibbmeister’s press briefing the morning of Election Day showed very little concern for how the outcome would affect the party:

“I don’t think looking at the two gubernatorial races you can draw with any great insight what’s going to happen a year from now, any more than if Jake’s team wins tonight I can tell who’s going to win next year’s World Series.”

 

“]

"I guess what I'm saying is, I don't give a shit. Next question."

 

After the election, Axelrod predictably kept it cool on MSNBC: “I sure wouldn’t draw too many conclusions from two state-wide races with their own unique sets of circumstances.”

As well we shouldn’t. What effect does this election have on the administration, its policies, or its overall popularity in the entire country now or in the future? Jack shit. Sure, the administration is supposed to act like they don’t care, but you have to admit the whole situation is being played up by the small, desperate part of the population that needs any reason to smile again.

 

O'Reilly, in a rare moment of smiling without the aid of sarcasm.

 

God knows the big boss doesn’t think this affects him now, let alone 3 years from now. Speaking to the head of the Navajo Nation, just yesterday, the Pres’ tongue slipped: “So for the next eight years…The next four years at least. Let me not jump the gun…”

You tell ‘em, Barry.

Mad Men hit me right here, man. Right here. *touches heart*

Last night I watched Mad Men, as I do every Sunday because that it’s an amazing show, and Nip/Tuck has sucked since they moved the show to Los Angeles (personal disappointment, so much could have been done to save it). I have to say, this episode was nothing short of amazing, thought it touched on a delicate time in American History, the assassination of JFK.

The entire show revolved around the character’s personal reaction to the incident, and I have no reason to believe it was much different in real life. Every character took it personally, even those whom we know didn’t vote for the President. They sat at the edge of their seats, watching every newscast, since it was first announced the President was first wounded in downtown Dallas, to the confirmation of his death, to Lee Harvey Oswalds assassination by Jack Ruby.

Stay strong, Don. Stay strong.

I cried. I fucking cried. Well, maybe I didn’t bawl or scream or anything like that, but I teared up, and tried my best to hide it from about 12 roommates (I live in a dorm house). I think the feeling was mutual around the room, there was a deep depression that kept everyone quiet focused on the show. It’s not hard to imagine being in that situation, under a visually familiar president who graced every possible media screen and radio wave around the world, a young man who brought a fresh and new spring to American politics, a leader who arguably engaged the youngest and widest demographic of the United States into public service, a President who reminded us of our adventurous need for progress, a champion figure for contemporary civil rights. Do I need to continue making parallels?

And I don’t think I’m exaggerating. It’s difficult to argue the positive mythical symbolism of President Obama’s persona, whether you like him or not.

Some of my roommates just sat quietly, and a select few (who are now on my mental shit-list) scoffed and remarked what a shame no one (read: they) would care these days. I in particular couldn’t hold back the tears. I’m sure most of it came from seeing people react to JFK’s assassination. But a lot of it came from the sheer thought that it was possible today. And how much worse would it be for a President who has embraced every possible technology that surrounds our lives like he does?

I can’t imagine that disappearing so suddenly. Under no other President would this episode have been so relevant.

Star Wars: Episode II…now in CUTE!

Anyone who’s been keeping up with my Facebook page knows I’ve gotten a little Star Wars crazy lately. Perhaps to near-dangerous/sad limits.

 

Too much?

 

I’ve watched A New Hope before and wasn’t too enticed, until a special somebody exposed me to the entire series, including the prequels. Ladies and gentlemen, the prequels are AWESOME. Too awesome. There’s way more political commentary, more complicated plotlines, kick-ass special effects, sweet costumes, and double-sided light sabers.

Before hardcore fans begin pillaging my house and torturing my family, I never said the originals weren’t good…they are after all necessary to the completion of the story (I guess). But as Peter Griffin once said in reference to his favorite movies, “I love the money pit.” Amen.

Last month I moved from Los Angeles to Washington DC, but left my special someone a little gift. What do you give a hardcore Star Wars fan who already has everything George Lucas could conceivably slap a SW logo on? Something you make yourself, of course! And while you’re at it, make it disturbingly cute:

 

Anakin Pawalker/Anakin Skywalker

 

I had a little help from Build-A-Bear on this one. I was REALLY hoping they would already have Star Wars costumes available, and when they didn’t I bitched for about a week before I gathered my testicles together and decided to make the costume my goddamn self. This little guy was bought from Build-A-Bear Workshop, as were his booties and black pants. The robe was pieced together from an old brown shirt and the leather parts were bought from a craft store. I braided some soft string together to make the jedi braid, and then sewed it behind the bear’s ear.

But you can’t have Anakin without Pawdme (GET IT?):

 

Pawdme Amidala/Padme Amidala

 

Pawdme was much harder to make. I had to enlist the help of my BFF to help complete her on time. Again the bear was bought at BABW, as were her shoes and a plain gold dress. The ribbons and flowers were bought at a craft store and glued or sewn on to the appropriate places, and the ear-nets had to be handmade and placed on the headband (also a ribbon).

This is from a specific scene in Episode II where Anakin and Padme share their first kiss at a picnic. How cute would that scene be in teddy bears?

 

My God, it's like you're seeing double!

 

More pics can be found in the Etcetera tab. A big thanks to The Padawan’s Guide, as they were my main reference in crafting the bears. May the soft, fluffyness be with you.

Prove your Kenyan nationality, too!

If you drive south on the I-5 from Los Angeles far enough, you’ll pass a billboard that asks the age-old question:

Kinda like "Where's the beef?" except it's not funny, and it makes me die a little inside.

As I drove by it last week, it baffled me why someone would fork up money to purchase ad space to question Barack Obama’s nationality when his birth certificate is POSTED ON HIS FUCKING SITE. Chuckling to myself, I continued on my merry way and forgot about the sad, petty person (or people) who paid for that billboard.

I was cleaning out my old attic this morning, shuffling between dusty boxes and moldy photo albums, when I found my original birth certificate. “Holy shit-on-a-stick,” I muttered. “I’m Kenyan, too!”

And by “cleaning” I mean “surfing,” and by “old attic” I mean this awesome site. Feel free to make your own! Just make sure you destroy it properly before you run for President.

Villaraigosa’s Tweets in Slang to his Peeps

A friend forwarded me this article on L.A. Observed about the LA Mayor’s Twitter account. Turns out it’s not really Villaraigosa tweeting, but some Harvard college student interning at his office named Harry Rimalower.

Now, political offices, organizations and companies do this all the time – they have a designated tweeter to speak on their behalf because God knows the big cheeses don’t have time to tweet every hour. Most of the time it’s pretty obvious it is a designated tweeter, usually because the main page will tell you the message comes from a general office rather than the big guy. But in this case, it’s because the tweeter will write something you know the Mayor would never say. And sometimes, make the mistake of writing it in a completely different account:

————

“HTRimalower: http://www.laobserved.com/archive/2009/06/villaraigosa_tweets_the_n.php: Why is L.A. Observed hating on me?”

Word, dawg.

————

At this point I have to ask this college intern: What the HELL were you thinking?

Seriously. “Why is LA Observed hating on me?!” Does that sound like something ANY politician would say? What on God’s green Earth would prompt you to believe that a) the mayor gives a shit about anything L.A. Observed said about a Twitter account, and b) that he would respond in stereotypical street slang IN PUBLIC? The last politician to speak slag openly was Michael Steel, and even he learned his lesson.

Harry, my friend, you have a lot to learn about the world of political imaging. I guess that’s the class you’ve been skipping at Harvard.

Why the Recession is Good for Us

It’s hard to make a statement like that with the amount of jobs losses, home foreclosures and financial setbacks going on. The recession has affected everyone to an extent, some worse than others. I’ll admit I’ve been very lucky – I have had to make some major cutbacks in conveniences, but at least I still have a shitty job that can eek me through a month, and I am not tied down to dependents I have to support. But because I sympathize with those who have seen the worst of the recession, because I’m aware my security is not guaranteed, because I know there are people in this world who will be fucked beyond help if something isn’t done soon, and because I know we can and should do better for ourselves, I’m as outraged as anyone else aware of the facts.

As we should be. A few shots from the G20 protests in London:

But in the midst of the crisis, I see an amazing ray of potential in our collective outrage. We are not just concerned about immoral bankers and corrupt loopholes in laws – we’re concerned about poverty, climate change, and (finally!) the limitations and consequences of heavy capitalism.

US government responses to the recession really are genius considering our limited resources. Obama’s American Recovery and Reinvestment Act includes tax cuts for the majority of Americans, an increase in available unemployment benefits, and generous investments in infrastructure, education and healthcare investments. At the very least, it’s a huge step up from a last year’s rebate that I used to pay off my Visa.

And it's pretty, too.

Things have been pretty bad since then, and they’re about to get worse before they get better. But at the bottom of this Pandora’s box is the realization that the public is not blind to corporate and government actions, and more importantly that we are all seeking a stronger voice in our own economy. We are realizing that we need to find common ground to get out of our rut, and that the only way we can ensure fair-play in the future is by ensuring we all have a fair shot at real opportunity – first by socializing the programs that make playing the field possible: education, healthcare and welfare.

The biggest obstacle towards democratic socialism is the fear of enforcing strict regulations on our market, but if we’ve learned anything in the past few months it’s that it’s not enough to entrust companies with a blank check in our name. Bank of America spends $10 million of the bail-out money on a superbowl party, and AIG hands out over $100 thousand in bonuses. We shouldn’t have been surprised – businesses don’t have the common interest in mind, it’s intuitive they focus on profit and internal strength. It’s increasingly clear they haven’t been playing fair with the public, either.

This recession doesn’t have to be cause for a depression – in any sense of the word. It can be good for us; it’s our wake-up call. Now, we can see where unregulated market has taken us. We see the limitations of capitalism. We have been given an amazing opportunity to rethink our and our government’s involvement in the economy. We don’t just have to be consumers, but reformers. And we need to start by ignoring the fears that come with the outdated stereotypes of Socialism. A more socialized economy is right where we’re headed anyway, this time by popular demand.

To the Asshole who tagged my car with a Sharpie last night…

Joke’s on you! I haven’t washed my car in 9 months. The build up of the dirt and grime made wiping your illegible bullshit off with a paper napkin a breeze. By the way, you misspelled “rules.”

Dick.

TheLibyanSibyl enters the wonderful world of online dating (so you don’t have to!)

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the emotional bonds which have connected the person with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the curiosity of exploring outside one’s social circle, a decent respect to the opinions of the person requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to actually purchase a goddamn 3 month subscription to Match.com.

Where love costs $19.99 a month! For 3 months! Upfront.

Perhaps it was the boredom. Perhaps it was my dislike of meeting people at bars and clubs. Perhaps it was the lack of time for parties within my schedule juggling school, a job, meetings and an internship. Perhaps it was the realization that walking through the Sahara in July is an accurate analogy to my ever-expanding dry spell. Perhaps it was a temporary lapse of a feeling of loneliness on a Friday night. Perhaps it was the result of having had a recent, minor heartbreak.

But to be honest, it was probably the four drinks, the Air Supply playing in the background, and the fact that I can’t successfully hide my wallet from myself. Hence, as of about 1:34am on Friday, March 6, 2009, I have successfully blown 50 bucks on a 3-month subscription to Match.com.

God dammit.

I had buyer’s remorse almost immediately the next morning. What the hell did I just pay for, anyway? Another social networking site? I can barely stand Facebook. What makes me think anyone worthwhile is going to be on this site, as opposed to hidden from view at work? Why the fuck would I really need to use an onine dating service?! Of all the online dating services available, why the hell did I decided to choose Match.com?!?!

See, when sober, these are the questions that stop you from doing something stupid like blowing your cash on online dating services. Yet here I am, having acquired something in an altered state of mind that I otherwise never thought I would use. Now, I ask thee…

What is there left to do but take full advantage of the situation?

Thus, I went back on Match.com and padded my profile. At the very least, I can meet some interesting people off of this. Or find a resource for some interesting blogposts. Also, I read the damn Terms of Use and found out that getting a refund requires actually MAILING Match.com via snail mail within three days of subscribing. You mean I have to physically get up and drive to my post office? Fuck that.

BEHOLD, the most awesome profile ever created on this site:

I am aware of the stigma that comes with trying to find companionship via an online dating service. I sure as hell wouldn’t have done this in any other condition. Consider this my act of public service to my peers. I shall dive into unknown waters, so you don’t have to!

I expect the offers and gifts to start rolling in immediately.