California used to be the baddest motherfucker in the Union. We were social ultra-liberals, prius-driving environmentalists, pot-smoking hippies, Atheist sinners. The Golden State where anything’s possible and people won’t judge you for being different. We were even the first cool state to legalize gay marriage, in the sense that Massachusetts is kind of a loner and we only invite Connecticut to parties because he has a hot sister.

But we made the mistake of letting the majority overrule the very purpose of our courts, and the rest of the country sneered behind our backs about how we were all talk and we weren’t as progressive as we said we were.

This entire time, Iowa was sitting alone on the benches, eating corn on the cob for lunch and wondering why he isn’t the most popular kid in class even though he has a 4.2 GPA and ALWAYS votes for class president first.

When Iowa heard about California’s predicament, Iowa saw it’s chance to finally be cool. Iowa legalized gay marriage  - without repeating Cali’s mistake and avoiding all that “majority rules” bullshit – and now he’s walking the halls like he’s the greatest shit to ever happen as this country’s new progressive state. It was enough to catch the eye of Vermont, Connecticut’s hot sister, and ‘cause she’s an attention whore she joined Iowa in his little circle of ephemeral glory.

Even DC, the school janitor (in that he’s not exactly a student but has to clean up everyone else’s shit), has shown up California as way cooler right now. And rumors say Virginia, the girl always chainsmoking in the bathroom, might be next.

You know what, Iowa? Enjoy your 15 minutes of popularity. Sure, legalizing gay-marriage makes you socially responsible, but it’s not enough to bring you to Cali’s level of cool. Ever. Sure, we made a mistake, but we’re constantly trying to find ways to overcome our mistake, and we won’t fail the second time around. AND we’re already checking into legalizing things that will make us SO cool it’ll make your corn pop.

If you need us, we’ll be over here legalizing pot.